WARNING: Some of the following poems may shock you (after all, I wrote them!). This page is not for the squeamish or the easily offended.
rambler rowing rainy roads,
raven responding,
regurgitating red roses...
rain, rain, rythmic rain
ridicules regional rambler!
o california, my california...
something-something-something,
something-that-rhymes-with-california,
something-that-rhymes-with-something.
(that's the end of my magnificient poem. you may all give me a standing
ovation now.)
thank you. now sit.
(sound of soothing piano music in the background)
as me sits here and wonders...
me looks up at the sky and ponders...
wow, i cannot believe my sight...
oh, how the full moon looks so bright...
and to you who is in the bay area tonight...
only you can possibly understand my plight!
(chorus)
oh the moon, oh the moon...
why art thou shrouded in clouds?!?
oh the moon, oh the moon...
why art thou straining my eyebrows?
(solo, with piano music again, this time a little more upbeat...)
well, me now wonders scientifically,
what is the moon's luminosity?
me becomes crazier by the minute,
a line goes here that rhymes with minute,
hey you moon, why art thou shrouded in clouds?
hey you moon, why art thou straining my eyebrows?
(repeat chorus:)
oh the moon, oh the moon...
why art thou shrouded in clouds?
oh the moon, oh the moon...
why art thou straining my eyebrows?
[sung to the tune of "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King]
[Warning: Do not read this song if you're not in the "Proper frame of mind". Click here to skip to the next poem.]
when the night... has come...
and this room is dark...
and my dinner... is all that i can see...
i won't lie...
i won't die...
no i won't... eat a fly...
until you eat...
eat flies with me.
so darlin' darlin'...
don't you cry...
oh, just try...
to eat flies with meeeeEEEE...
eat flies with me.
if that fly... that you munch upon...
should taste crunchy no matter how small...
and the buzzards... should fly out to the sea...
oh i'll try... to eat a fly...
yes i'll try... to eat a fly...
just as long...
as you eat...
eat flies with me.
SO DARLIN' DARLIN' TRY...
OH JUST TRY...
to eat flies with meeeeEEEE...
eat flies with me.
i hereby dedicate the above song to all of my professors at school, who are
forcing me to stay up 3 nights in a row (so far).
[sung to the tune of Elton John's "Can you feel the love tonight"]
There's an open textbook
With the notes I scribbled yesterday...
But the heat of this incredible day
Melts my ice cream away!
An open textbook
And I read it through,
With the ice cream dripping all over...
Oh, I can eat it tooooo........
And caaaaan I ace my final tonight? (tonight)
It is worth 33 percent...
I havent slept many nights...
Coz I wanna do my best.
Caaaaan I ace my final tonight? (tonight)
I haven't had any rest.
I even taped my eyelids open...
And drank lots of Krest.
There's a time for slurping...
If I only learn...
That this chocolate ice cream cone
Drips every time the pages turn!
There's a rhyme and reason
If I can only find it
Then I would put a really good rhyme here...
And you'd all be wowed!
Caaaaan I ace my final tonight? (tonight)
It is worth 33 percent...
It's enough for this wide eyed wanderer
That I do my best.
Caaaaan I ace my final tonight? (tonight)
I haven't had any rest
I even taped my eyelids open...
And drank lots of Krest.
I even taped...
My eyelids open...
And drank lots of Krest.
until one day when this lady met this fellow
and they knew there was much more than a hunch
that someday they'd all form a family
and that's the way they became the brady bunch.
the brady bunch...
bart simpson too...
fred and barney...
and their wives...
the movie star...
the professor and mary anne...
are here on gilligan's isle.
YABBA DABBA DOOOO!!!! WILMAAAAAAAA!!!!!
(by me, with inspiration from one of you and also mr. yankovic.)
(sung to the tune of "smells like nirvana" by weird al yankovic.)
("smells like nirvana" is to the tune of "smells like teen spirit" by Nirvana)
What is this company all about?
Can't figure any of their rates out.
How do I become their customer?
I wish you'd tell me, I don't know.
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...
NOW I'M BLEEDING AND I'M DYING...
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING...
I dial 9-1-1 on the telephone...
But I'm connected to the 'net and there's no dial tone...
The "Company" doesn't care...
even though their ad says so...
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there."
Yeah.
Well, I don't sound...like Nirvana,
Here I am now...eating a banana.
Sing distinctly? I don't wanna.
Whatcha gonna do... move to Ghana?
So have you got...any idea?
Didn't think so... well I'll see ya.
Sayonara, sayonara,
sayonara, sayonara,
yaddayadda, yaaahyaaah...
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
[Sung to the tune of "Hound Dog" by Elvis Presley]
[In tribute to the late not-so-great king of rock and roll......]
[Warning: this song may shock you. Read further at your own risk, or click here to skip to the next poem.]
He ain't nutin' but a hot dog,
I'm eatin' him all the time,
He ain't nutin' but a hot dog,
I'm eatin' him all the time,
But he's never topped with relish
And he ain't no meal of mine
When I said he was stuffed with glass
Well that was no lie
When I said he was stuffed with glass
Well that was no lie
Heck, it's makin' my lip bleed and that ain't no meal of mine.
He ain't nutin' but a hot dog,
I'm eatin' him all the time,
He ain't nutin' but a hot dog,
I'm eatin' him all the time,
Well he sure tastes a lot like chicken
But that still ain't no meal of mine
When I said he was stuffed with glass
Well that was no lie
When I said he was stuffed with glass
Well that was no lie
Heck, it's makin' my lip bleed and that ain't no meal of mine.
[Sung to the tune of "All Shook Up" by Mister Elvis]
[Warning: this song may shock you. Read further at your own risk, or click here to skip to the next song.]
Well, bless my soul, what's wrong with me?
I'm cleanin' up a stain from a really sick birdy
My car thinks it's fine but the windshield has a lot of bugs
It's got bugs...
It's all messed up.
hooouuuh hooo oo... hoooh hoooh...yeahyea yea.
Oh well my hands are shakin'
But the glass doesn't squeak
I can't seem to clean this here spot by the leak
Who do you blame when you have such luck?
It's got bugs...
It's all messed up.
hooouuuh hooo oo... hoooh hoooh...yeahyea yea.
Well please don't ask me what's bugging my mind
I'm a little freaked out and I drive sitting inclined
But when I can't wash off.. this here spot...
No matter how hard I try, it's far too dry!
Maybe it needs more water... oops what a spill i got!
The soap's all over and the engine is hot
I'm sad to say I can't even clean the hood up!
It's got bugs...
It's all messed up.
hooouuuh hooo oo... hoooh hoooh...yeahyea yeah.
My toungue gets burned when I try to lick
Oooh oooh oooh, that spot near the nick
THERE'S ONLY ONE CURE FOR THIS WINDSHIELD OF MINE...
That's to have "my mouth's squeegie" clean and shine!
The way it cleaned that glass, what a thrill i got!
It works so well, I wanna use it a lot!
I'm proud to say that the spot's goin' out,
IT'S ALL GONE!!!!
IT'S ALL CLEANED UP!
hooouuuh hooo oo... hoooh hoooh...yeahyea yeah.
hooouuuh hooo oo... hoooh hoooh...yeahyea yeah.
IT'S ALL CLEANED UP!
Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
That so sadly me hail'd a taxi cab by leaning?
Those broad roads and bright cars, on hollywood boulevard,
O'er the sidewalks me watch'd, were so horribly screeching,
[uhh... in case you are still seated, stand up... ATTEN-SHUN!!!]
And the cab driver's dead stare, his engine's bursting in there!!!
Gave proof through the night that my car was still there.
Oh, say, how does that Niss-aan-Sen--traa fare
O'er that spot in the parking lot, in that structure over there?
(please be seated.)
you can drive
every drive with the guy who puts the pedal to the metal, let him drive till night.
you can drive
every drive with the bug who squishes on your windshield 'neath the pale moon light.
but don't forget who's driving you home, and under whose seat you're gonna be...
so nissan, save the last drive for me.
mmmm....
oh i know,
that the bugs taste so fine... like fish and swine
go and drive for fun...
drive with a ding-a-ling...
but while we are apart, don't give your jump-start to anyone
'coz don't forget who's driving you home, and under whose seat you're gonna be...
so nissan, save the last drive for me.
every day, it's a-gettin' closer,
goin' faster than a roller coaster.
a week like this is....surely gonna suck.
a hay--a hay hay.
every day, it's a-gettin' faster,
everyone said "just go to andover",
somethin tells me i'm gonna....get hit by a hockey puck.
a hay--a hay hay.
every day, some driver gives me the finger,
every way, the job-hunt just lingers,
come what may... will i get the job as a cabinet minister?
every day, i load up my winchester,
and fire it at the guy in polyester.
a whole lotta people think....life sucks.
a hay-a hay hay.
every day, some driver gives me the finger,
every way, the job-hunt just lingers,
come what may... will i get the job as a knuckle duster?
every day, it's a-gettin' closer,
goin' faster than a roller coaster.
why do so many people....eat ducks?
a hay-a hay hay.
a week like this is....surely gonna suck.
how many roads must a wanderer drive down
before you call him a "me"?
how many butterflies must a nissan kill
before the me weeps hysterically?
how many times must that car kill those flies
before they're forever goooooone?
THAT bug, my friends, is blowin' in the wind...
that bug is blowing in the wind!
how many years can a mountain exist,
before the me drives to it from the sea?
how many years must some wanderers exist?
before they're allowed to go crazy?
and how many times can a me turn the wheel
and pretend that he just doesn't see it comin'?
that bug, my friends, is blowin' in the wind...
that bug is blowing in the wind!
how many miles can a wanderer rack up
before he weeps for that fly?
how many years must one me have
before he can't see those creatures die?
and how many deaths will it take to know
that far too many bugs have died?
that bug, my friends, is blowin' in the wind...
that bug is blowing in the wind!
oh that bug, my friends, is blowin' in the wind...
that bug is blowing in the wind!
the east coast guns are hip,
i really dig those bullets flying through the air.
and the southern guns with the way they click,
they knock me out when i'm down there.
the midwest farmers submachine guns
make you feel all queasy inside
and the northern guns with the way they hiss
they keep their victims cold at night
i wish they all could be double barrel
i wish they all could be double barrel
i wish they all could be double barrel
guuuuns.
the west coast has the lunatics
and most of them just blow a fuse
i spot a new uzi and i pick it up...
now watch what happens when i put it to use
i wish they all could be double barrel
i wish they all could be double barrel
i wish they all could be double barrel
guuuuns.
skeet shootin'... come on and shoot with me....
skeet shootin'... come on and shoot with me....
Oh Utah, oh Utah,
You are so beautah.
You melt my heart away
Every time I lookatya.
You're even prettier than Arizona,
Nebraska is no match for ya,
I wish Indiana looked like ya,
You even bury Oklahoma!
Granted, you're no California,
But colorful hills you sure got a lotta.
Is it any wonder why I adore ya?
11 national parks within a day's drive you gotta.
Now that's what I call a "buncha".
You got an Indian reservation for the Ouray and the Uintah,
You got a lake called Yuba and a town named Hiawatha.
Oh Utah, colorful Utah,
I really do like ya,
And I can't wait to come back and see ya,
Can't you tell I'm in love with ya (sorta)?
A-WHOPP BOBBA LOO BOP LA BOP BAM BOOM!
Colorado... mighty pretty.
Colorado... what a beauty.
Colorado... mighty pretty.
Colorado... what a beauty.
A-WHOPP BOBBA LOO BOP LA BOP BAM BOOM!
Got a town... named Telluride.
Took a ride... to Telluride.
Got a town... named Telluride.
Took a ride... to Telluride.
With mountains to east, and mountains to the west
You're the state that I love best!
Colorado... ain't Idaho.
Colorado... kill a mosquito.
Colorado... eat a burrito.
Colorado... oh what a show.
A-WHOPP BOBBA LOO BOP LA BOP BAM BOOM!
Got a town... named Ouray.
Three cheers... for Ouray.
Got a town... named Ouray.
Three cheers... for Ouray.
With Rockies to the east, and Rockies to the west
You're the state that I love best!
Colodado... puts on a show.
Colorado... how I know.
Colorado... ain't too low.
Colorado... pinch me Guido.
A-WHOPP BOBBA LOO BOP LA BOP BAM BOOM!
Lost
I get so lost... sometimes
These roads...
And this landscape fills my heart
When I want to get away,
I drive on in my car.
But whichever way I go
I come back to Califor-nia.
All my instincts
Tell me to turn
Towards Bryce Canyon,
So soon I'll return.
Without any fries,
I'm taking my time.
I stretch out my arm outsiiiiiiiiiiiiiide...
Sitting in your seat
My heart skips a beat (In your seat)
I feel complete (In your seat)
I see the roadway (In your seat)
A thousand mountains (In your seat)
A lake in Oregon (In your seat)
Of all the bugless windshields (In your seat)
Oh I see that glass and the stain of the bee (In your seat)
Oh I wanna lick that spot near the nick (In your seat)
I wanna see out your windshield while sitting in your seeeeeat...
Roads
I dont like the sea so much, hey!
So much... regurgitated.
And this wind keeps carrying it away
I get so seasick
Trying so hard to keep it inside
I'd rather drive along the Keys
Hope I reach home alive
And all my instincts
Tell me to turn
Towards Bryce Canyon,
So soon I'll return.
Without any fries,
I'm taking my time.
I stretch out my arm outsiiiiiiiiiiiiiide...
In your seat...
In your seat...
In your seat...
In your seeeeeeeeeeeeaat...
In your seat...
Sitting in your seat
My heart skips a beat (In your seat)
I feel complete (In your seat)
I see the roadway (In your seat)
A thousand mountains (In your seat)
A lake in Oregon (In your seat)
Of all the bugless windshields (In your seat)
Oh I see that glass and the stain of the bee (In your seat)
Oh I wanna lick that spot near the nick (In your seat)
I wanna see out your windshield while sitting in your seeeeeat...
In yoooooooooooour seat
In your seat
In your seat
I'm driving through New Mexico
Going to the places
I used to go
Where the landscape glistens
And I try to listen
And see the bigrigs in tow
You can drive through New Mexico
Can stop at any ol' place you like
May you see a myriad...
great sites..
And may all your road-trips
Be briiight...
Take me
Out to the vast Atlantic
Swiftly
Under the blue blue sky
Drive, Drive
Drive up that coast
You wear that rainbow wax and I'll wear my coat
Ohhhhh, take me.
Back home to the Pacific
Leave me
Out by the moonlit beach
Lift your open trunk
Take out my sleeping bag and see that shooting star fall
So take me
Take me
Down to the Florida Keys
Take me
At a hundred miles per hour
Beep beep
Sound your honking horn
We'll make that idiot sorry he cut you off
Ohhhhh, take me.
Back home to the Pacific
Leave me
Out by the moonlit beach
Lift your open trunk
Take out my sleeping bag and see that shooting star fall
So take me
Take me
Back home to the Pacific
Leave me
Out by the moonlit beach
Lift your open trunk
Take out my sleeping bag and see that shooting star fall
So take me
So take me
So take me
So take me
I don't want another bug stain,
I don't want my windshield hitting a fly, no!
I don't wanna clean it the hard way,
I ain't got no time...
But it comes at me like a rocket,
Shootin' straight across the skyyyy...
It's the way I squish it...
It's by driving into it...
Gotta keep my car in motion...
Without it getting hit...
It's that pivotal moment...
It's a....
Unwashable,
This squish, this squish!
Uncleanable,
This squish, this squish!
Washer fluid is at zero height...
How do I see the road?
All I wanted was a fun drive...
Without needin' to carry a water hose!
Driving off into the sunset
While composing some prose!
It's the way I squish it...
It's by driving into it...
Gotta keep my car in motion...
Without it getting hit...
It's that pivotal moment...
It's a....
Unwashable,
This squish, this squish!
Unlickable,
This squish, this squish!
I can squish it in the moonlight
See that insect crash while in flight
I can squish it with the moonroof open and my head stickin' outside!
Squish it in my line of vision
Let that wind guide!
I see it floatin',
I see it flyyyyin'...
It's the way I squish it...
It's by driving into it...
Gotta keep my car in motion...
Without it getting hit...
It's that pivotal moment...
It's a....
Uncleanable,
This squish, this squish!
Unlickable,
This squish, this squish!
It's the way I squish it...
It's by driving into it...
Gotta keep my car in motion...
Without it getting hit...
It's that pivotal moment...
It's a....
Unwashable,
This squish, this squish!
Unlickable,
This squish, this squish!
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